The Cow Chronicles Part One: The Town With No Name (Like I said, these stories get weird!)

Our story begins in a small town of 3,891 people. The town had once had a name, but in 1883 the town fathers declared that names were blasphemous. All records of the town's name were destroyed, and aliens were hired to wipe the memories of every single person who had ever set foot in the town. To this day, nobody remembers the true name of the town. 
It's main attraction was a large oak tree in front of the town hall. The tree was, according to a faded billboard on Route 42, the world's 3,453,968th largest tree. Beyond the dingy storefronts of the downtown was a new housing development, which consisted of 16 blocks of identical, faceless houses. And beyond that were the dairy farms. It was one of the smallest, quietest, most cliche small towns in the entire country.

Farmer Joe's dairy farm was either 12 or 13 miles out of town on Route 42. How far the farm was from the town was a very controversial issue. The road sign was changed daily, costing the town $1,500 annually. 

You see, Farmer Joe owned, as of the 2010 Wisconsin Livestock Census, 19 billion Holstein cows. And a man known by the name of Farmer Bob wanted these cows desperately.

In this town, a person's status was determined by the number of cows they had. The more cows you had, the better of a person you were. The general consensus was, a person had to have at least 500,000 cows to be considered a respectable person. And Farmer Bob only owned 499,999. He was the laughingstock of the town, mocked by all. It made Farmer Bob furious.

What was even worse was that he had once been one of the town's most prestigious citizens. Then Farmer Joe showed up, and stole the show. No, that was too soft. He had held the show hostage with a machine gun, herded it into a truck, and drove the truck off of a cliff. The whole town was in chaos, and it was all his fault.

In May of 1995, Farmer Bob had graduated from the Wisconsin State Bovine College with flying colors. Not only was he at the top of his class, but he had been the highest-scoring student in the history of the college. In fact, he had scored so high, that Mr. Moo, all-powerful deity of the universe, had personally selected him as the next Great Protector, the person who defended the cows of the world from the forces of evil. It was a hard job, but Farmer Bob felt he was qualified for the job.

And on his first day on the job, his dreams were shattered.