ZQ Retold Part 8: Target Practice

Warning: More than mild graphic content

The waffles were closing in. Abe clutched his toaster, and toasted waffle after waffle. But now, reinforcements were coming in. A line of pop tarts were visible over the next hill. Suddenly, a 70 foot tall Thomas Jefferson arrived, and killed all the bad guys. “Brush your teeth”, he told Abe.

As Abe dreamed, his cousin was having problems of his own. Taking unsteady, deep breaths, he turned on the television. He quickly muted it when he saw the blaring emergency broadcast, as not to wake Abe and Caleb. He twisted the dial through channel after channel. Most were displaying the same text scroll, except for one, which aired Totally Real News.

“This just in”, the tired newscaster said into the camera. “Alien creatures have assumed control of the planet. It’s the liberals’ fault. Thanks a lot-” As the TRN reporter finished his statement, an arrow hit him in the neck and he slumped over. Goblins swarmed into the studio, and destroyed the camera.
Eventually, Tony arrived at the channel reserved for a DVD player or similar device. Static swam across the screen. He took out a key, and opened a padlocked door on the cabinet the TV sat on.

Inside was a strange Goblin device. He pushed a button, and the static slowly became a video feed of a Goblin wearing a long white coat.

“What is it?”, the Goblin hissed.

“Karab, you can’t come next morning. I have visitors.”, Tony said. “A family member and his friend”

“Fine. But they have to be gone by tomorrow evening. Also, you’d better not be giving them weapons. Your people are giving us a hard enough time as is”

Tony paused. “Don’t worry, Karab”, he eventually said. “They’re just kids. How much damage could they really do?”

“According to Dornac, a couple of kids managed to take out a quarikar by themselves”

“Doesn’t sound like him. Goodbye”, Tony pressed the button on the Goblin device, switching it off”

“I had the weirdest dream last night”, Abe told Tony and Caleb the next morning over breakfast.

“So, can we have some weapons?”, Caleb asked. “It was really hard to take out that Giant with just a shovel. We barely survived.”

“Wait, you took out that thing?”, Tony asked in shock. “Anyhow, pick out your weapons. We can do some target practise at your place”

Abe picked up the pistol he had tried to take the last time he had visited Tony.

“How much for it?”, Abe asked.

Tony and Caleb laughed. “Dude there are no stores operating anymore. Why would I need cash? In the meantime, I’ve got a holster for that in here”, Tony said as he pulled a holster out of a cabinet under the sink.

“Thanks”, said Abe.

Caleb ended up choosing a fat-barreled revolver, which he thought could aid in fighting Giants and Dragons. Tony decided to accompany them back to the garage to teach them how to shoot.

“Guys!”, Caleb suddenly shouted. “There’s a battlecart coming!” Abe, Tony, and Caleb jumped into the doorway of a church as a battlecart sped by.

“I’ve got to go!”, Tony shouted, running after the battlecart. Before Abe and Caleb could respond, he was gone.

“What was that?”, Caleb angrily asked. “He gives us weapons and just abandons us on the street? I told you he was a jerk!”

“He’ll probably be back soon. Maybe he’s just going to make sure that the Goblins don’t destroy his house or something”

“Come on, Abe. I guess we’ll have to teach ourselves how to shoot”, Caleb said.

Ten minutes later, Abe and Caleb had dragged bags of fertilizer out of the gardening shed, and leaned them against wooden stakes. Caleb took aim at one, but Abe asked him to wait. He ran inside (the house seemed to be void of Goblins lately), and returned with a permanent marker. Quickly, he drew snarling Goblin faces on each of the bags.

“I wish we could find some green paint”, Caleb said amusingly. “No offense, but I also wish you could draw”

“A friend of mine is a really good artist”, Abe said “I wonder if he made it”

Caleb locked his hand around the trigger, carefully aimed it at the fertilizer, and fired. He was launched back by the recoil. The bag was obliterated, spraying fertilizer across the yard.

“That poor Goblin!”, Abe laughed. He took aim at another bag.

Suddenly, a real Goblin fired a very real arrow, which whizzed past Abe. Abe and Caleb turned in shock, seeing a Goblin standing in the driveway, bow at the ready. Abe fired at the Goblin, killing it. It was then that Abe noticed the second Goblin, who had heard the fighting and come to see what the matter was. It was bedecked in rusty, metal armor, fastened with a leather belt that seemed to be made of the same material as the tunics of the Goblin soldiers. It shouted something at Abe and Caleb, and unsheathed a broadsword from a sheath on its back.

Abe fired shot after shot at the Goblin. He might as well have been throwing tissue paper. Each bullet bounced off the Goblin’s armor. Eventually, it kicked Abe to the ground, and held a sword to his neck. As it’s sword swung through the air, toward Abe’s throat, Caleb ran up to the armored Goblin. He fired a volley of bullets at the Goblin’s head, killing it, along with staining Abe’s face with Goblin blood.

“This stuff smells horrible!” Abe shouted as Caleb helped him up. He ran to the house, and came back with paper towels, to wipe Abe’s face. Abe looked at the dead Goblin.

[This paragraph has been redacted due to extreme graphic content]

He picked up the Goblin’s sword. “I’ve always been better with melee combat”, he said to himself.

“I think that was more than enough training”, Caleb told him.

“Yeah”, Abe replied. “Hey! Whatever happened to Tony?”

“Care to explain this? Karab snarled at Tony. He pressed buttons on the device hooked up to Tony’s TV, until it showed a view from a traffic camera on Abe’s street. It showed footage of Abe, Caleb, and Tony walking down the street, guns in Abe and Caleb’s hands.

“How much damage could they do? They’re just kids!”, Tony protested.

“Oh surrre”, Karab sarcastically sang at Tony. “Two kids who can kill an entire quarikar, not to mention a zeahir? Couldn’t possibly pose a single threat to us”

“Please! I’ll do anything you want”, Tony pled to Karab.

“What I want you to do right now is die! I’m going to tell Dornac to send troops here immediately!”, Karab snapped at Tony, storming out of the door.

Tony cursed under his breath, and ran up to the loft where he slept. A hammock made from a ratty bedsheet was slung between two posts Tony had taken from his fence. Leaning against a bedside table covered with old fast-food wrappers was a light machine gun.  Tony took the gun, and ran down to his porch, waiting for the Goblins.

Five hours later, Tony had fallen asleep, the gun on his lap. After a few hours of sleeping, he awoke to footsteps. The Goblins had done the unthinkable.

They had entered through the back door.